I think we all feel like an outsider at some point in our lives, especially when we are in those oh-so-sensitive adolescent years. Even as adults, we all have our moments… I know I’m not the only one to feel alone sometimes, or to feel like I’m an outsider in some way.
But this post isn’t necessarily about those emotions. When I say that I don’t belong here, I mean it more literally. I mean that I fundamentally disagree with and choose to disengage from a large majority of the norms – and I want to talk about it.
I want to normalize disagreeing with norms and choosing to think and live differently.
I consider myself a bit of an expert at living in a world you don’t belong in, and I’ve learned a lot along the way. I want to share the resulting insights with you, in hopes that it may help you to create your own place in the world too <3
*As with everything I ever write, this is a ‘take it or leave it’ post. It’s okay if you disagree with my outsider beliefs, and it’s okay if you don’t like how I navigate them. Just take the pieces that are relevant and aligned with your values and then interpret and integrate them in your own way. My goal is to give you permission to think and act in the most authentic and aligned ways for YOU.
If I shared my unfiltered thoughts and opinions about things, I’d probably be the most annoying killjoy that ever existed. So much of our societal norms just don’t make sense to me, or make me feel angry and heartbroken.
There are many cases in which I don’t speak my full opinion, not because I am ashamed of it or fear judgement, but more so because I know it’s just mine. I have this counterbalance perspective where I not only hate so many societal norms, but I also hate how much people throw hate at each other about their beliefs and choices!! I know it’s counterintuitive but even though I personally want to disengage from these and many other parts of the world, I don’t believe you or anyone else has to feel or do the same.
The point of this post is not to get you to agree with my beliefs. It’s to encourage you to feel confident in your own beliefs and to encourage you to live your life in alignment with YOUR values and ideals, rather than living in an attempt to “belong” or “fit in” with a society that doesn’t feel good to you anyways.
I know that some people feel “better than” others because they believe they are taking the moral or intellectual high road, but that’s never been me. I’ve always just wanted to be able to exist in my own way, making the choices that feel right to me, without people judging me for it and making up their own story about why I don’t drink alcohol, only eat plant foods, prefer meditating or journaling over watching movies/TV shows, and go to bed at 8:30pm. That’s just what feels right to me; what makes me feel true to myself and like I am taking the best care of myself.
I want the same experience for everyone else. I want you to feel free to think, feel, and act in the ways that are most true to you—even if it’s totally different from how I think, feel, and act. Sometimes things will conflict in a way that makes it difficult to be close friends with a person whose values oppose yours, but that’s okay! We don’t have to all be friends.
This perspective brings me a lot of peace. We live in different realities, and that’s okay. I honestly think the world thrives this way, when we have a variety of perspectives. We need people who question norms and we need people to disagree with us so that we can consider other ideas and keep refining our individual truths. Just like we need all the parts within ourselves to be played with and expressed as we find who we are, we are each an important part of the Universe figuring out who it is right now, too. Or at least that’s how I see it ;)
You are allowed to create your own value system, you are allowed to create your own beliefs, and you are allowed to orient your life based on what feels true and meaningful to you.
(And in my opinion, you will have a more fulfilling life if you do ask questions & use your own values and beliefs to guide you – even if you land right back at the social norm.)
It is totally possible to happily & peacefully exist within societal norms that you disagree with. I do it every day! So here are my tips for how to get there.
Stop assessing yourself based on other people’s values. You have to make your own rules in life. If you follow someone else’s, you’ll always lose.
Imagine that nobody else’s opinions exist and you are starting from scratch to set the norms for how people should strive to live, based on YOUR values and what feels right and true and good to YOU. This is your personal ideal. This is your guide for the type of person you want to be.
It can be difficult when what you believe in is antithetical to the norms of society, but you won’t feel fulfilled if you are forming your life around someone else’s rules. Your life, your choices, your actions, need to be meaningful to YOU.
So… other people will disagree with some of your choices. Other people might have different goals or desires for you. *Be especially mindful of what you think your parents want from you – we have an inherent drive to please them because at one point in time that’s what kept us safe in the world. It’s important for you to recognize that this is not what will make you feel the most confident and proud of yourself, or the most gratified and at peace with your life. One of the most common regrets people express at the end of their lives is that they had lived a life more true to themselves rather than the life others expected of them. The joy you get from pleasing others is shallow, and the safety you feel is an illusion. Make yourself proud, and be the person that YOU truly want to be. Your personal alignment is your ultimate contentment, confidence, and inner peace.
Stop trying to be understood. People will have their own stories about why you do what you do, and it’s not your job (or worth your effort) to change their minds.
This has been one of the biggest and longest ongoing tasks of my life. I get better and better at this every year, and I’m really proud of where I’ve landed with this today, but I will be honest in saying that it’s been a journey.
We naturally crave to be seen, heard, and understood. It makes sense to desire it, but it’s dangerous to need it (from everyone/all the time). When it is a need, you end up focusing too much of your energy outward rather than inward, toward and within yourself. Just like trying to follow someone else’s rules for life, trying to be understood is a losing battle. I encourage you to find the people who make you feel seen, heard, and understood with ease, or who at the very least respect your beliefs and choices even if they don’t fully understand, and hold these people close. Let other people have their own ideas – they are working with a different brain, different body, different life experiences, different values.
Not everyone will get you or like you or agree with you, and that’s okay. Your job is not to convince people of anything—your job is to understand yourself and live your truth. Whether or not other people get it is not your problem to solve. You’re allowed to be misunderstood. You’re safe to be misunderstood. I promise.
Embody your truth. Own it. Be who you most want to be, and do what you believe in.
This may or may not resonate, but something I’ve learned over many years of not-belonging and making my own way in the world is that it’s okay to not be an outspoken public advocate of everything you believe in. You don’t need to try to change other people’s minds/actions or try to influence systemic change either. You totally CAN do this if it feels meaningful and important to you! But you can also simply do your own thing and be a living example of what you believe in. The people for whom it resonates will most likely take note and be influenced just by being around you. You will still be shaping the world through what you do, still playing a role in promoting what you feel is right and true.
The most important thing is for you to be proud of who you are and what you do. Once you clear your path from the desire to be understood and validated by everyone else, you can be your own compass for how to live your life.
Don’t conflate your truth as being the only truth. Live and let live, as they say.
Remember, there is not this one ultimate ‘right’ way of living that you’re striving to get correct — or if there is an ultimate truth, none of us will ever find out what it is or who wins that game — your goal is to live your truth, and allow that to be different than that of the collective or anyone else.
Every other human has the same right. You are allowed to disagree with others’ ideas and actions, but don’t be so pompous as to think that your truth is THE truth. It’s just yours, fully valid and worthy of being lived in its most authentic way, but not better or worse than anyone else.
There are lots of quotes written on wooden signs for homes, or shared around the internet with a beautiful photo in the background, saying something like, “If you were born in a world you fit into, that’s because you were born to change it.” - This can be inspiring, but it can also feel like a massive task that you don’t really want. It feels somewhat akin to spiritual bypassing, like “your cancer (or past trauma) is here to give you a powerful lesson.” True, but not the full picture and not always what you need to hear.
This post is here to say: You don’t have to fit in. And, you don’t have to try to change the world. You can just decide to do things in a way that feels most true and right and good and meaningful to you. You can choose where you want to go with the flow of society and where you want to pave your own path. You can live literally HOWEVER YOU WANT! There will always be consequences, of course. But you have full freedom to choose.
You can create your own cozy little life based on what is most important to you, and live in a way that embodies what you feel is the highest (best, most moral, most ideal) way to be human. I genuinely believe that if everyone thought for themselves and lived in their own most true and aligned way, the world would be a more beautiful place.
Get out of groupthink and build a lifestyle born from your path of inner work, a physical manifestation of your truth.
I hope this post was helpful. Love you!!!!
Tara
PS - If you resonate with what I share here and want to step into a more powerful version of yourself, I guide people through their own journey of inner work and personal truth-finding ❤️ Apply for coaching & mentorship here.
Love this post, Tara. And sending love to you.
So good!