Becoming your own sanctuary

What it means, how to do it, & why it's the freaking best ever...

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How many people can say that the safest, coziest place they can ever be is with/within themselves?

Not many.

In fact, I’d say that for most people, being with themselves is one of the most scary and uncomfortable experiences – and is therefore ideally avoided as much as possible.

Escape routes of all kinds are rampant in our culture. Scrolling social media, swiping through dating apps, watching porn, binge eating, restrictive eating, drinking alcohol, smoking/using substances… on the ‘extreme’ end of the spectrum we talk about these things like they are issues, but they are also common daily practices that nobody questions.

Whether you call these behaviors coping mechanisms, addictions, bad habits, or mental health struggles… it all comes down to the same thing: The inability to be with yourself in some capacity, and the compulsive actions that help you avoid that discomfort, at least momentarily.

As Ted Gioia wrote about in his post on the current state of our culture (highly recommend reading it!), we are living in a world characterized by distraction and addiction. That is, engaging with the current cultural norms is perpetually pulling you further and further away from yourself.

In this world, it is more important and more valuable than ever to be able to stay in connection to yourself & to seek salvation internally rather than turning to something outside of you.

I say this all from a place of understanding. Becoming my own sanctuary was a hard-earned journey. I speak openly today about my experiences with anxiety, OCD, disordered eating, and depression, and finding a way through and beyond each of these overwhelming challenges was not easy – but it was more worth doing than anything else I have ever done in my life. That is the place I speak from today.

In every case, the ultimate solution was that which I was most afraid of and seeking to avoid… cultivating deeper connection with myself.

In theory, being more connected to yourself sounds really lovely. Things like being true to yourself, living authentically, knowing your purpose and following your passions, building your dream life… we eat that shit up.

Even more spiritual ideas like cultivating inner peace or releasing that which does not serve you… you know, the things you hear at the end of your yoga class as you drift into a half sleep state in savasana… Nobody is going to argue against the pursuit of these evolved ways of being.

But what people often fail to realize is that what makes any of those things possible is first going through the dark inner journey of facing all the parts of yourself that you dislike, fear, or hold shame for.

Being your own sanctuary means being a safe place for all of your parts—even, and especially, the parts that you aren’t proud of. Like a refuge that takes in the most battered people with traumatic experiences from the harshest parts of the world, so too must you be your own refuge holding shelter for the parts of yourself that are wounded, tender, afraid, and in much need of nourishment and healing.

In my coaching programs, I teach that the formula for creating this sanctuary is radical honesty + self-compassion. Both are equally necessary. You must be fully honest with yourself, and you must be a safe place for all of yourself to be seen and known by you.

I’ll say it to you straight: The self-compassion needs to come first.

We are far too good at hiding things from ourselves that we are afraid to see or feel or know. If it doesn’t feel safe to be seen, our minds are very good at suppressing and creating alternate stories. Radical honesty isn’t possible until you’ve cultivated a safe inner space for all the shamey & scared parts of yourself to feel like they can come forward and show themselves to you. Trust makes space for truth.

So, what even IS self-compassion? Thankfully, researchers like Kristin Neff, PhD have studied this concept extensively and come up with an easy breakdown of the 3 components that comprise self-compassion.

1. Mindfulness

2. Common Humanity

3. Self-kindness

Mindfulness is being aware of what you are feeling and experiencing, through a lens of non-judgement. 

When you are mindful, you are present. You are not lost in your thoughts, but instead you are observing what is going on within yourself from a distance. You are noticing, but not identifying with your thoughts and feelings.

*If this ‘observing’ or ‘noticing’ is a foreign idea that you can’t relate to, one way you can think about it is this: Imagine that you are feeling sad. Now, think about WHO is feeling sad. Can you feel the separation between you and the sadness? You are not the sadness, it is not inherently part of you. You are the consciousness that is experiencing the sadness.

AND - there is nothing that is right or wrong about your experience! That’s the importance of non-judgment. There is nothing to fix, nothing to label as good or bad. Just let whatever is there, be there, separate from you, as something that you are simply experiencing.

Common humanity is the recognition of our interconnectedness and our shared human experience.

Being human is hard sometimes! But we’re all in it together. Although we are all living different individual lives, the core emotions and experiences are the same. Anything you feel, another person has felt too. You are not broken and you are never, ever alone. Being imperfect is part of being human.

Self-kindness is the act of extending grace and generosity to yourself. 

When you are kind to yourself, you seek to understand and acknowledge your pain rather than putting yourself down and letting the inner critic take the stage. You not only stop the negative self-judgment, but you also actively comfort yourself. You feel sympathy for your own pain and offer yourself soothing and solace. 

I’ve been teaching this stuff for long enough now that I can guess where your brain might be going, so let me take a moment to address a common concern: Being a compassionate & safe place for yourself does not mean that you are letting yourself off the hook. In fact, it means the opposite!

The more you open yourself up to love all of your parts, the more honest you will be able to be with yourself – including the hard truths. 

When you are radically honest with yourself, you are aware of all of your mistakes, flaws, and weaknesses. You don’t hide anything from yourself; you put it all in plain view. Having compassion for these things is what enables you to view them, but if you love and respect yourself, then you don’t stop there. If you love and respect yourself, you will recognize that these mental stories or behaviors are holding you back and you will take action to address them because you know you are worthy and deserving and capable of living beyond them.

Being your own sanctuary is being a soft, cozy landing place for yourself, yes. But it is also holding yourself accountable to your highest calling. It is seeing your full potential, having patience in your process of pursuing it, giving yourself compassion for missteps along the way, but always guiding yourself back to the high standards of your best self.

Being your own sanctuary is kind of like being your own perfect parent.

Hard lessons and challenges create the most growth when they are experienced in tandem with having resources and support to help you get through them and understand and integrate the new wisdom or skills gained in the process. People take more risks when they have a secure place to leap from (and fall back to). Cultivating an inner sanctuary naturally creates these experiences for yourself.

The world is constantly selling you all sorts of ideas and products outside of yourself, but you already have everything you need within you. Nobody can ever know you better than you know yourself. Nobody can give you more information about you than what you have access to within yourself.

I’m not saying that it’s not also important to have other people to lean on. You need friends and family. You need mentors and guides. But you are the one person you can always count on. You are your own home, so make it feel like home to be with yourself. It’s incredibly powerful to be able to lean on your own inner resources.

I can say from experience, being your own sanctuary is a superpower that makes everything in life better. 10/10 Recommend ;)