Be selfish
A monologue making the case to put yourself first.
Friendly reminder that hitting the little heart ^^ up there is a small gesture that does a lot to help me reach more people ❤️ Thanks!!
I’m a big believer that we all should be selfish. Not actually. But kind of…
Selfish isn’t the right word, but we don’t have a word to express what I mean. (I have tried many times to find it, and it doesn’t exist, at least in the English language).
The definition of the word selfish is to be concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself, seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.1 I am not an advocate of this. The issue with this term is that it inherently implies that disregarding others, which is not at all the point I’m trying to make.
The best term I could come up with to more accurately describe what I am an advocate for is self-prioritization.
Self-prioritization is defined as the practice of placing one's own needs, well-being, and goals at the forefront of one's decision-making and daily activities, ensuring that one's personal health, happiness, and fulfillment are addressed before tending to the needs and demands of others. This approach is taken while still maintaining empathy and consideration for others, balancing self-care with interpersonal responsibilities.2
Because self-prioritization isn’t a common phrase or concept and most people are just familiar with the term “selfish” in regards to this idea, there tends to be a connotation that putting yourself first means that you are a bad person. That is what I am here to reframe and rewrite for you today.
I shall attempt to convey my belief that it is in your best interest, and the best interest of literally everyone in your life, for you to be responsible for taking care of your needs–and prioritize that responsibility.
There are many reasons why this is hard for us to believe and execute. For instance: As humans, we are meant to live in community. Relationships are one of the most important and most fulfilling parts of life; at the end of most people’s lives, the connections they built with a partner, friends, and family were the most meaningful and cherished thing they experienced, and the hardest thing to leave behind.
There is also a glorification of being selfless. This is especially true for women. I get frustrated every time that a man says the thing he loves most about his wife or mother is her selflessness. I am all for being an amazing caretaker and nurturer, for being generous–these are absolutely qualities to celebrate. But being ‘selfless’ literally translates to having no self, which I do not support or agree with as an ideal to strive for. I don’t believe we should idolize sacrificing and abandoning oneself, even if it is for the laudable goal of benefiting others.
Finally, we are a society of people-pleasers. Because we find safety in belonging and external validation, it is common to act in ways that we believe we meet other people’s expectations of us in order to receive their acceptance and approval. I have to hold myself back from going into greater depth about the issues of people-pleasing, but ultimately it is subconsciously manipulative behavior because the goal is to control how other people perceive you. This often happens at the expense of your own authenticity, alignment, and well-being. For the purpose of this post, my point is simply that this is normalized. People regularly avoid conflict, tell white lies or stretch the truth, say yes to things they would prefer not to do, and overstep their own boundaries in order to not upset someone and stay in a positive perception from their point of view.
All of these norms make it difficult to believe or practice the concept of putting yourself first. I understand why you might push back against the idea or have a fear response in your body when you consider the idea. And, I hope you will open your mind to it here with me today.
Selfishness and selflessness are on two ends of a spectrum. Too often they are seen as the only two options, but there is a lot of room to dance and find your balance in between. Putting yourself first doesn’t mean that you don’t consider others’ needs – it just means that you take responsibility for your own, and know that everything you give is stronger and more pure when it is coming from your own place of wholeness.
When you move through the world with sovereign energy in which you take full responsibility for embodying your truth and taking care of your needs, you free yourself from living in an effort to please others, and you free everyone else in your life from needing to put their effort toward pleasing you.
Imagine if everyone lived this way! Imagine asking your friend to help you pack up your apartment into moving boxes, knowing they will be fully honest about whether they genuinely would enjoy and have the capacity to support you in that way or not. If they agree and show up, there is no sense of guilt on your part for asking and no sense of resentment on their part for saying yes. There is not any extra energy spent on wondering what one another is thinking or feeling. There is nothing lurking beneath the surface to worry about. It is a fully open and true agreement.
Acting from a place of self-prioritization facilitates…
Honesty. Because your needs are already met and you are not trying to influence the other person’s perception of you in order to be safe, you say what you mean.
Greater connection. You are not outsourcing your worth or well-being – you already have it. The exchange of giving and receiving is pure on your end. You are taken care of, you are complete, and you are choosing to put energy towards the other person from that wholeness. There are not subconscious ulterior motives being played out beneath the surface of your interactions. You can see one another and the situation for what it truly is. You can see one another for who you truly are. It’s so amazing!!!!
Freedom. For both of you! When both people who are part of a relationship are choosing to connect and give and receive from a place of already being whole and nourished, there is no pressure, just the flow of love and authenticity. This is true not just for romantic partnerships but for friendships and relationships between family members as well.
Trust. When you know that someone is acting from a place of authenticity & honesty, making sure that their own needs are met, you can relax and trust what they are saying and doing because you know there are no ulterior motives or things being left unsaid.
In the book Don’t Be Nice, Be Real, which is rooted in principles from Non-Violent Communication (NVC), the premise is that authentic self-expression should be the goal rather than trying to be polite. The author Kelly Bryson says that when we are focused on being “nice,” it often leads to self-sacrifice and resentment. Again, the idea here is not to be selfish or disregard others—he emphasizes the importance of empathy in communication—but rather to share what is authentic and true to you.
When I first read this book 8 or 9 years ago, it really hit home for me. I was someone who always wanted to make other people happy, and it was confronting to see how that desire to be “nice” can actually end up being harmful. Yet I resonated deeply with the concept of radical honesty, communicated with intention and consideration for the other person.
This is a very similar message to what I am sharing here, in regards to taking care of yourself. It is not unkind to speak the truth, and it is not selfish to prioritize your own needs. These are not mutually exclusive concepts. You can prioritize your own wellbeing, communicate with honesty and authenticity, AND be a very kind, giving, and considerate person. (I highly recommend this combo! Obviously!!)
It is not admirable or truly helpful when you compromise yourself, give when you don’t want to, say yes when it’s a no, say what you think they want to hear rather than what is true, or do something just because you think it’s what someone else wants from you—especially when it is at the expense of your truth or well-being.
You are the best version of yourself when you are honoring your truth, taking care of your own needs first, and acting with full authenticity. Not in a way that is narcissistic or makes your well-being more important than another person’s. Rather, in a way that makes your well-being your top priority. If executed with full ownership and maintained empathy for others, it will be a gift to everyone in your life - I wholeheartedly believe this.
As always, thanks for being here and sharing in my musings.
You can always count on me to be honest and true.
Big love,
Tara
P.S. - Are you in a season of growth right now, or ready to step into one? I would love to be your guide and mentor in the process. One of my greatest skills is the ability to see and understand others (oftentimes even better than they can see and understand themselves) and ask the right questions to help you uncover and discover your truth. If this calls to you, you can apply here for private coaching with me.
Additionally, if you are interested in healing your relationship with food and body via inner work to address the root cause and learn how to (finally!) live in alignment with your values (with ease!), my signature Reconnect Academy course is currently being offered at a sale rate :) You can also choose to receive weekly coaching with me as you go through the course.
🌸 I’ve gained so much through my journey of inner work, and few things bring me deeper joy than supporting others to find their own version of what I have cultivated: My own trust, empowerment, inner peace, and connection to myself. My own inner sanctuary, with my truth as my compass.
I love you, I believe in you, I honor you.
xo
1 - As defined by ChatGPT
2 - Also as defined by ChatGPT
(The rest of this article was written by my own heart and brain)
Photos by my dear friend Kristen 🙏🏻
Wow!! This is the most thorough and beautiful explanation of this topic that I’ve read to date. Thank you for sharing your words and gifts with us, friend 🥲🩵🙏🏼